Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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