i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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