it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
