dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
