I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize