Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
