i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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