Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
