dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
