so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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