Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
