theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
