I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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