i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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