I am puke
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize