im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
