I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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