One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
