People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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