Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
