Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
