I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just cut my nipple shaving
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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