I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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