You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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