just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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