We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize