So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
