Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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