You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
