how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
