I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
