She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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