Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
