I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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