Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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