you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
