He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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