Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
