hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So squirting runs in the family.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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