who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Sponge bath it is.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
