When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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