So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
