well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
