Screwed.edu
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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