Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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