for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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