Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
