well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
