No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She's the barista slut.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
FUCK WHALES
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