I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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