Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
