Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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