if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So many bounce houses so little time
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
