I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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