I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize