I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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