i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
