My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
