either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
