last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
