i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
