i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
