Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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