So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
