it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
